Trying to Find My Way Back to Peace

Lately, I have been overwhelmed.

But I want to explain what that means for me, because it does not mean I cannot do anything.

There are things I can still do from home, especially writing and creating when I am able.

I can work on my workbooks.

I can write blog posts.

I can build things online.

I can create resources that I hope will help someone else.

But I do not do those things on a consistent schedule.

Some days I may be able to accomplish quite a bit.

Other days I may do very little.

Creating from home gives me a way to use the energy and focus I have when they are available.

That is very different from being able to function the same way every day.

The harder part for me right now is leaving home.

There are places in this town I do not want to go back to because they bring up too many memories and too much trauma.

I have tried going to the gym, but sometimes I struggle to breathe there and my anxiety takes over. I become too aware of everyone around me, and I start feeling like people can see what is happening inside me.

Even going into stores can feel harder than it should.

So right now, I am trying to work with what I can do instead of constantly forcing myself into situations that leave me feeling worse.

I Still Feel Like I Am Going in the Right Direction

Even with everything going on, I feel like I am moving toward something I am supposed to be doing.

I want to help people.

Maybe someday I will be able to do that in more ways than I can now.

Right now, when I am able, I can write.

I can share what I have learned.

I can create workbooks.

I can talk openly about trauma, healing, triggers, boundaries, and surviving.

I can take what I have lived through and turn some of it into something that might help somebody else.

That gives me purpose.

Trying to Build Something While Barely Getting By

The difficult part is that creating things still costs money.

Websites cost money.

Programs and apps cost money.

Publishing costs money.

So I try to be careful with everything.

If I pay for an app, I try to create as much as I can while I have it so I do not have to keep paying for it every month.

I look for affordable ways to do things.

I stretch what I have as far as I can.

And I keep hoping the workbooks and resources I create eventually reach the people who need them.

The truth is, we are barely getting by ourselves.

I do not say that because I want sympathy.

I say it because it is part of where I am right now.

I am trying to build something meaningful while also trying to survive financially.

And sometimes I wonder whether I should allow people to help instead of always trying to carry everything myself.

I Remember What Peace Felt Like

I spent many years in therapy.

I spent many years working on my mental health.

There was a time when I reached a place where I felt genuinely good.

I exercised regularly.

I meditated.

I practiced breathing exercises.

I spent time in nature.

I had learned how to recognize what was happening inside me and how to settle myself again.

There were traumas I knew I would never simply get over, but I had reached a place where I knew how to live with them.

I thought I had reached a place nothing could take away from me.

I was wrong.

Not because all that work disappeared.

Not because therapy failed.

Not because everything I learned stopped mattering.

But because new trauma can touch old trauma.

New triggers can wake up things that had been quiet for years.

And sometimes returning to people, places, and situations connected to old trauma can affect you more than you expect.

Sometimes Distance Was Part of My Peace

For a long time, I lived away from many of the things connected to my trauma.

I do not think I fully understood how much that distance was helping me.

I could breathe differently.

I could build routines.

I could exercise.

I could spend time outside.

I could feel more like myself.

Over time, I began realizing that healing does not always mean you can return to the same people and places without being affected.

Sometimes healing also means recognizing what continues to disturb your peace.

I Know I Need a Change

I know I do not want to stay in this town forever.

There are too many things here that I do not want to keep revisiting.

I want somewhere that feels different.

Somewhere I can breathe.

Somewhere I can go to a store, take a walk, exercise, or simply exist without feeling like I am surrounded by reminders of things I would rather leave behind.

I just do not know where that place is yet.

And right now, I do not have the money to simply pack up and leave.

So while I work toward whatever comes next, I am creating from home when I can.

This is where I can write.

This is where I can build.

This is where I can turn what I have lived through into something that might help another person.

Doing What I Can From Here

There is so much more I want to do.

Maybe one day I will be able to help people in ways I cannot right now.

For now, I have my words.

I have what I learned through years of therapy.

I have my experiences.

I have the things that helped me and the things that did not.

I have the lessons I learned the hard way.

And when I have the energy and focus, I have the ability to create from home and send those things out into the world.

So that is what I am going to keep doing.

Not perfectly.

Not consistently.

Not on a schedule that looks the same every day.

Just when I can.

I am not waiting until my life is perfect.

I am not waiting until every trigger is gone.

I am not waiting until I have all the money I need.

I am working with what I have, where I am.

And right now, creating from home when I am able is one of the ways I keep moving forward.