When I Realized Not All of My Pain Was Trauma

Tomorrow, I’m having surgery.

I’ve gone back and forth about how much I wanted to share, but there is something about this experience that I think is important—especially for those of us who have lived through trauma.

For a long time, I thought some of the pain I was carrying was connected to what happened to me as a child. I tried to address it mentally instead of medically. When you have lived with trauma for years, it can sometimes become difficult to separate what your body is feeling from what your mind and nervous system are carrying.

Trauma can affect the body. But that doesn’t mean every physical symptom is trauma.

Sometimes physical pain really is physical pain, and it deserves to be checked out.

I was scared to do that.

I kept putting it off and trying to live with the pain. I’ve had several iron infusions, and I continued dealing with physical problems while being afraid to have this particular issue fully addressed.

Eventually, the pain reached a point where I couldn’t keep doing that.

On Monday, I called the doctor’s office and asked if there was any possibility they could get me in sooner. I was simply at the point where I could no longer deal with the pain.

And now, tomorrow, I’m having surgery.

I’m nervous. I’m nervous about the surgery itself, but I’m probably even more nervous about the weeks afterward. I’ve been told this isn’t an easy surgery to recover from, and knowing that is scary.

At the same time, I keep reminding myself of something important: I’m already hurting.

The surgery may mean more pain for a little while, but hopefully it is pain with an end in sight. Hopefully, a few weeks from now, I’ll be able to look back and know that getting help was worth it.

I cannot wait until this is behind me.

This experience has also reminded me how easy it can be for trauma survivors to dismiss physical symptoms. We become accustomed to carrying pain. Sometimes we tell ourselves we just need to cope better, calm our nervous system, work through another trigger, or somehow push through it.

But we are allowed to take our physical pain seriously, too.

Healing mentally and emotionally matters. So does taking care of the body that has carried us through everything.

If you’ve been putting off getting something checked because you’re afraid, I understand that fear more than you know. I’m not going to tell you not to be scared. I’m scared too.

But fear and taking care of yourself can exist at the same time.

Tomorrow, I’m going to do something I wish I had been brave enough to address sooner.

I’m nervous about what comes next, but I’m also hopeful that this is the beginning of finally putting one kind of pain behind me.

And right now, that hope is what I’m holding onto. 💜