When Your Boundary Creates a Boundary in Me

We talk a lot about setting boundaries.

Say no without guilt.

Protect your peace.

Step away when you need to.

Stop answering every call.

Tell someone you need space.

And I believe in all of those things.

But there is another side of boundaries that we don’t talk about nearly enough.

When you set a boundary with someone, they are allowed to respond by creating boundaries of their own.

If you tell someone not to call you, they may stop calling.

If you tell someone not to text you, they may stop texting.

If you repeatedly say no when someone asks to spend time with you, eventually that person may stop asking.

If you continually push someone away, they may eventually stop trying to get closer.

That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re angry. It doesn’t mean they’re punishing you. And it doesn’t automatically mean they stopped caring.

Sometimes they simply listened.

A Boundary Can Change a Relationship

We sometimes think setting a boundary means everything else in the relationship should remain exactly the same.

But boundaries can change relationships.

If I tell someone I need more distance, I can’t necessarily expect them to remain standing in exactly the same place waiting for me.

They may need distance too.

They may realize that constantly reaching out and hearing no is hurting them.

They may decide they aren’t going to keep knocking on a door they’ve repeatedly been told not to knock on.

That’s a boundary too.

One person’s boundary doesn’t automatically outrank the other person’s.

You Can Say No, and So Can I

This is something I’ve had to learn.

You are allowed to tell me no.

But I am also allowed to decide what I do after hearing no repeatedly.

You are allowed to step away.

So am I.

You are allowed to protect your emotional well-being.

So am I.

You are allowed to decide what kind of communication you’re comfortable with.

So am I.

Boundaries cannot mean, “I get to decide what you are allowed to do, but I also get to decide how you must respond to my decision.”

That is control, not a mutual boundary.

Sometimes Pulling Back Is Not Abandonment

There are times when someone stops reaching out because they simply don’t care anymore.

But there are also times when someone pulls back because they’ve been told, directly or indirectly, that their presence isn’t wanted.

After enough no’s, a person may finally hear the message.

And that can be painful.

There comes a point when continuing to push may actually mean ignoring the other person’s boundary.

So we step back.

Then sometimes something strange happens.

The person who asked for distance becomes hurt because we became distant.

The person who repeatedly said no wonders why we stopped asking.

The person who asked not to be contacted wonders why we aren’t contacting them.

Relationships can become complicated that way.

Boundaries Have Consequences, Even Healthy Ones

The word consequence doesn’t have to mean punishment.

It simply means that when something changes, other things may change because of it.

If I change how I participate in a relationship, the other person may change how they participate too.

Neither person necessarily has to be the bad one.

Maybe your boundary was something you genuinely needed.

And maybe the boundary I developed afterward was something I genuinely needed too.

Both things can be true.

My Boundaries Matter Too

For a long time, some of us were taught to accommodate everybody else.

Don’t upset anyone.

Keep trying.

Keep explaining.

Give another chance.

Be understanding.

Eventually, we learn something important:

I am allowed to have limits too.

I don’t have to continue reaching for someone indefinitely while being pushed away.

I don’t have to keep explaining myself because someone doesn’t like my answer.

I don’t have to participate in arguments that go nowhere.

And I don’t have to apologize simply because somebody doesn’t like a boundary I’ve finally learned to set.

Your boundary deserves respect.

Mine does too.

Maybe that’s one of the harder lessons about boundaries: once we give ourselves permission to have them, we also have to give other people permission to have theirs.

And sometimes their boundary will be a response to ours.

That doesn’t always feel good.

But boundaries were never supposed to mean that only one person’s feelings, needs, or limits matter.

You can protect your peace. I can protect mine. And sometimes loving each other means learning how to respect both.