Trying to Get My Heart Back Right With God

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with God.

Not about whether I believe in Him. I do.

This is about my heart.

Somewhere through everything I’ve been through, everything I’ve carried, and all the ways I’ve tried to survive, I feel like something inside me has gotten off track.

And I want to find my way back.

I want to get my heart right with God.

I don’t mean becoming perfect. I know I can’t do that.

I don’t mean suddenly having all the answers, never getting angry, never questioning anything, or never struggling again.

I mean wanting to feel close to Him again.

I want to pray and feel like I’m really talking to God instead of just saying words.

I want to trust Him when I don’t understand what is happening.

I want to stop letting fear, anger, hurt, disappointment, and everything happening around me become louder than my faith.

But I’m learning that finding my way back isn’t as simple as telling myself, Just have more faith.

There are things in my heart that I still wrestle with.

There are prayers I don’t understand the answers to.

There are things I begged God to change that didn’t change.

There are things that happened in my life that I still don’t understand why He allowed.

And sometimes hurt creates distance.

Not necessarily because I stop believing in God, but because I don’t always know what to do with all the feelings I have toward Him.

I think I have spent a lot of time believing I needed to clean all of that up before bringing it to God.

Maybe I had it backward.

Maybe getting my heart right with God starts by bringing Him the heart I actually have right now.

The confused one.

The tired one.

The angry one.

The hurting one.

The hopeful one.

The one that still believes even while it has questions.

I don’t think God needs me to pretend with Him.

He already knows what is there.

So maybe my prayer right now doesn’t have to be complicated.

God, help me find my way back to You.

Help me with the things I don’t understand.

Help me let go of what is pulling my heart away from You.

Help me recognize where I need to change.

Help me forgive where I need to forgive.

Help me ask forgiveness where I need forgiveness.

Help me trust You with the things I cannot control.

And when my faith feels small, help me come to You with that too.

I’m realizing that getting my heart right with God may not happen in one big moment.

Maybe it happens in little choices.

Opening my Bible when I would rather scroll.

Praying even when I don’t know what to say.

Thanking Him for one thing on a day when everything feels wrong.

Choosing not to let bitterness have the final word.

Talking honestly to God instead of pulling away from Him.

And coming back again when I wander.

I am still working on this.

I’m not writing from the other side of it.

I’m writing while I’m in it.

I’m trying to get my heart back where I want it to be.

Closer to God.

More trusting.

More peaceful.

More willing to surrender the things I keep trying to carry by myself.

I know I’m not there yet.

But I’m trying.

Right now, I’m simply turning back toward Him with the heart I have and asking Him to help me with the rest.

One prayer.

One day.

One step at a time.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.” — Psalm 51:10